Today I had a long talk with a friend I’ve made over here. While we were talking, I told her a story that shocked her a little.
You see, she has been watching Frans & I over the past 40 odd days and she sees a couple who adore each other and get along really well.
What she didn’t see though was the disagreement that we had a couple of nights ago. We rarely argue, but this time it really was a doozy.
Frans refuses to engage in a fight. When he senses that things are heading in that direction, he just walks away. He will not get into it. When he does this, my already angry state just blows up – it REALLY irritates me. I know however, that trying to pursue the matter will lead to a place that I never want to go.
So, he walked out of the room and I turned away and wrapped myself up in my duvet, crying my eyes out.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with a disagreement – we’re all bound to have them just because we’re different and have opposing views on things. It’s natural. The difference is how you deal with it!
Long ago, we decided that we would do whatever it took to keep the peace in our marriage. We do this in three ways:
- We know how difficult it can be to say ‘sorry’. So we’ve agreed on a sign that substitutes for actually saying the words, but still conveys the feeling. Once either one of us gives the other one a soft punch on the arm, it’s the sign that we’re sorry and that the argument is now over. We’ve agreed that whenever either one of us does this, we’ll make peace and not bring up the argument again.
- We have made a pact that we will NEVER let an argument last overnight – it has to be settled before we go to sleep.
- It makes no difference which one of us makes the peace, as long as it’s made. It’s not about being ‘right’, it’s about being kind and keeping the peace.
Believe me that this is not easy to do when I’m angry. But, you know what, making the decision before the event, somehow makes it easier to stick to it when the chips are down.
So, I lay there steaming for a while and realised that an amazing thing has happened over the years. Because of the decision to never let an argument last overnight, my ability to stay angry and offended has shortened substantially and believe me, I’ve had a great deal of practice :-)!!!!!
As the emotion subsided I decided that I would go and make the peace. It doesn’t have to be something I ‘feel’ like doing, now it’s about making a decision to make peace, so that our marriage can be safe.
I’m so grateful that we’ve learned this lesson during our marriage. It’s been a lifesaver more than once.
Have you got a tip that helps your relationships stay good? Please share with us if you do. 🙂
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Sleep well and see you tomorrow